We’re all familiar with the analogy of the empty cup. We all start with a certain about of liquid – let’s say coffee! – in our cup. As we help others, the coffee gets used up. The only way we can replenish the coffee is by practicing some self-care. If we don’t, the coffee will eventually disappear. Soon there will be nothing left for us at the end of the day. There will also be nothing left for  family and friends, the people who so badly need us. We’re completely dry. Burnt out. That was me. All out of coffee.

I’d love my first post of the year to be about some profound, philosophical insight that just makes you go, “Ah!” The entire premise of this post won’t come as a revelation to anyone. We’ve all heard it before. But it’s still something I struggle with, something that I have not mastered, something that I will still resolve to work on for 2022. So even though it may seem basic, I think it bears repeating. For me anyway. If you’ve somehow mastered this, please share your wisdom,

When we were engaged and preparing for our wedding, we completed pre-marital counselling with our pastor, a pre-requisite for getting married in our home church. Our pastor gave me a book entitled, How to Take Care of Yourself While Still Taking Care of the World. Or something to that effect. I remember looking at that book and thinking how ridiculous it was. Specifically:

1. Why wouldn’t I take care of myself? Who else is going to do it?
2. I have to take care of myself before I take care of others. That just makes sense.
3. No one has to tell me how to take care of myself. I know how.
4. Why do I have to take care of the world? Don’t they know how to take care of themselves???

I never cracked the spine of that book. I put it on our bookshelf and when we moved to Alberta, it got donated with all the other household items we didn’t want.

I thought I knew how to take care of myself.

The years went by, and Dave and I had kids. Some years were easy. Some weren’t. Kira developed anxiety, and those years were really hard. She started therapy at age 11, and we also started going to therapy as a family (which I highly recommend for any family – its awesome!).

In one family session, after the therapist had dealt with the actual reasons we were there, she said she’d like to talk to me before we left. I thought, “Uh oh. What did I do?” Everyone blames the mother when things go wrong with kids, and I was no exception. I am and have always been, really hard on myself.

The therapist talked to me about…me. Nothing to do with Kira. She said one thing that was obvious to her throughout the session with the family, was that I was burnt out. I had no hobbies. No outlets. Nothing to call my own. My life was taking care of my family, in every sense of the word. Not just cooking, cleaning, running the house. Everything. There was nothing left for myself at the end of the day. My cup was empty.

We’re all familiar with the analogy of the empty cup. We all start with a certain about of liquid – let’s say coffee! – in our cup. As we help others, the coffee gets used up. The only way we can replenish the coffee is by practicing some self-care. If we don’t, the coffee will eventually disappear. Soon there will be nothing left for us at the end of the day. There will also be nothing left for  family and friends, the people who so badly need us. We’re completely dry. Burnt out. That was me. All out of coffee.

I mentioned in an earlier post that my mother never took time for herself because she worked two jobs, and that my mother-in-law rarely took me-time because she thought it was the woman’s place to serve her husband and family. I grew up and spent the first few years of my marriage feeling very guilty about taking any time for myself.

I had never even considered myself in all my family was enduring at that time. Everything I had, I was giving for my family. My time, my thoughts, my prayers, everything – was consumed by Kira and how to make her well again. And then Max and Dave, how to make sure they were being supported.

I had no hobbies, no nights out with friends. No outlets, no time to myself. Dave did. I made sure the kids did. But I had nothing. (And to be honest, I started feeling a little resentful about it).

So in the last few years, I tried to do something about it. I had many more coffees and nights out with friends. I took trips to Toronto by myself to be with my sisters. I spent time on hobbies and I didn’t apologize for not cleaning the bathrooms or folding the laundry, or making Dave and the kids do it themselves.  

It still kinda sounds pathetic to me. I still have more to do. And even what I did do, didn’t all go the way I planned. Some of it completely backfired. But I’m not sorry. I did more for myself than ever in 2021 and I plan to do more in 2022.

Does the Bible talk about me-time?

Many people think self care is about selfish self indulgence. It’s not. It’s about refreshing and renewing our minds, bodies, souls and spirits, which are all things that God created. And He specifically talks about those things in the Bible. And He talks about loving ourselves. And that we treat our bodies respectfully, with consideration.

Here are some Bible verses that relate to self care, me-time, and filling our cup first before we can fill others.

• Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

• For to set the mind on flesh is death, but to set the mind on the spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6

• Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” Mark 6:31

• Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

• Love your neighbour as you love yourself. Mark 12: 31

• Husbands… “Love your wives as their own bodies…after all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church. Ephesians 5:28-29

Did Jesus take me-time? In fact, He did!

• “And after he [Jesus] had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray.” ~ Matthew 14:23

• “Now when Jesus heard this, he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself.” ~Matthew 14:13

Did God practice self-care? YES!

• “On the seventh day, God had finished his work of creation, so he rested from all his work.” ~Genesis 2:2

I remind myself now and again that it’s ok to take some time for myself, because it’s in the Bible. Not only is it in the Bible, Jesus and God took time for themselves. If They needed rest, surely I can take a bit for myself.