You’ve heard that saying: “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” There’s a lot of interpretations as to what it means. It could mean that women are harder to please. It could also mean that a mother has to make her own happiness a priority if she is to have a hope of helping anyone else. She has to make sure she’s taking care of herself or she isn’t going to be able to provide what her family needs. It’s this interpretation that will be the focus of this post.

The concept of self-care as a mother and wife was foreign to me until very recently. My parents divorced when I was 13, and after that, my mother had to work two jobs to keep a roof over our heads, so obviously, she didn’t have much time for herself. My sisters and I had no idea what self-care was – didn’t all women have to work two jobs to pay the bills?! Then I got married at age 22, and Dave and I lived with his parents for three years because we were both still in school. Dave’s parents were my next model for what a relationship should look like. They had a great marriage that worked for them, but they were a very traditional, German couple where the woman worked all day and then came home and did all the cooking and cleaning, while the man worked all day and then came home and put his feet up, watched sports and drank beer, while his wife anticipated his every need. Dad worshiped the ground Mom walked on and the feeling was mutual, but that’s just now the ball bounced in their house. Mom didn’t take much time for herself. It was just not the way things were done in their house. Self-care? What self-care? Women have to take care of their husbands and their kids first, and then maybe watch a soap opera once the husband and kids were in bed. So I believed this lie that I wasn’t the best wife and mother I could be, if I wasn’t sacrificing my happiness, all my time, all my enjoyment, for my husband and kids.

My friend Andrea Schwarz recently wrote an excellent blog post about what she calls The Hurtful Myth for SEE HEAR LOVE, a Christian women’s web show and online destination in Ontario. I’ve cut and pasted her blog post below, but here’s the link if you want to read it on the site.

I remember the day well as the guilt was creeping in.  I was traveling across the country on one of my usual business trips to British Columbia.  Instead of working on my computer, I decided to pick up a book. I have always loved reading, however, I walked away from reading due to busyness and exhaustion. As I began to read, tears starting streaming down my face. The words were dancing off the page and I couldn’t read the book fast enough. It was a book full of stories and advice for women struggling and feeling stretched too thin.  I wanted to change.

As women, we navigate so many responsibilities and roles in one given day!  It’s exhausting. The question “How do you balance your work and family so well?” is often asked.  The truth is, I believe work-life balance is a hurtful myth because I don’t think anyone can achieve it. And yet, we look at other women and think somehow, they do.  I have a great career, supportive family, healthy children and I am actively involved in community. If anyone could do it, it should be me! But the truth is, I feel stretched thin daily and at times my balance can shift from taking care of a sick child or parent, to working longer than normal hours, to preparing for a meeting.  It’s not easy. Letting go of trying to achieve this work life balance has helped release me from guilt and feeling stretched too thin.  

The book opened my eyes to what self-care really is.  You see….we are all uniquely made, with our own set of values, passions and gifts.  When we love and take care of ourselves, we become the best possible version of God’s creation.  Say no to the guilt and lie that self-care is selfish. It is a necessity. You are modeling it for your family, friends and other women.  Your emotional, physical and spiritual health depend on it. Focusing on your family and career is never enough.  

I encourage women to extend themselves the same love and compassion that they show others.  When I practice being intentional and listen to my family and friends, take better care of myself, and love what I am doing, I thrive.  I still struggle with actively practicing self-care; however when I do, it has provided much needed clarity around HIS greater purpose for my life.  

Andrea also appeared on the show in a wonderful episode entitled Managing Your Stress-Filled Life. Watch it here.

Remember – even Jesus took time to rest! Why can’t we?!

Thanks for letting me share your blog post and video, Andrea!