We have a crazy neighbour. For the sake of anonymity, let’s call her Sondra.

The day we took possession of this house, Dave and I were in the garage waiting for the cleaners to show up. Suddenly, this tiny little lady with huge blond hair (think of the girls we went to highschool with who put half a can of Final Net in their hair before they left for school every morning) bounded in front of our garage and screamed, “Oh my God! NORMAL neighbours!” Seriously, she bounded. I think it was one jump from her front porch to the middle of our driveway. And I should’ve known by how she screamed the word NORMAL that she wasn’t…normal…I mean. With her arms outstretched, she ran toward us and practically knocked me over in a huge hug. And then she gave one to Dave. Anyone who knows my uber German hubby knows he prefers the German SIDE half hug to people he KNOWS. People he meets for the first time get a nice, firm handshake. He even gives the side hug to his KIDS sometimes! Anyway, we thought it was nice to be greeted by someone on our first day, so we both accepted the hug.

We introduced ourselves and we were ready to chit chat on the driveway, exchanging the usual new neighbour pleasantries. The first thing Sondra said to us was: “Please don’t tell me you paid the listing price for this house, did’ja?” We said no, we did not. She guffawed. “Good, because if you did, I said to myself, I’d list my house for a million freakin’ dollars!” She laughed hysterically as we stood in front of her thinking, “Lady, do you not realize that you just insulted us and our new house?!” We gave ourselves the side-eye and she did not even notice, she was too busy slapping her thighs and laughing hysterically at herself.

The next thing we knew, she walked into our house, shoes on (good thing the cleaners hadn’t come yet), walking into every room, checking everything out. She walked in front of us as if we were not even there.

She walked into our laundry room and said, “Well, at least they left you a nice washer and dryer!” 

Hm. At least? Did she not realize that no one FORCED us to by this house? That we bought it because we actually LIKED it? I was getting more and more offended with each passing second. Dave just walked behind Sondra with his eyes wide open like, “WTF?!”

She walked into the kitchen: “No granite? Why no granite? This counter is NASTY! Every Tom, Dick and Harry in this neighborhood has granite!”

I explained that we were doing a month of renovations before we moved in, and that one of them was installing granite. She says, “Well, I wouldn’t have even bought this DUMP without granite!”

I’d just about had it. The only thing that was keeping me from kicking her out was God in my head reminding me that I had to love my neighbours. Even neighbours like Sondra.

Then Sondra sniffed. “What’s that smell?”

I explained, “We think they left something in the garburator. The cleaner will clean it out and then we’ll grind up a bunch of lemons.”

She kept sniffing. “No, that’s not it.” Her eyes suddenly opened, saucer-wide. “It’s PEE. PEE! Your house smells like PEE!”

I sighed and started urging her toward the door. “It’s not pee.”

She started failing her arms wildly like she was having a panic attack. “Oh my God! It’s pee! It’s PEE!”

By this time Dave had the front door open (he reads my mind like that) and I started pushing her out the door. “Okay, that’s enough for today. No, it’s not pee. Thanks very much, Sondra. It was nice to meet you. We’ll see you later.”

I could hear her muttering about pee, all the way back to her house.

The cleaners arrived a few minutes later. I asked the head guy as soon as he came in the house what he thought the smell was. He took one sniff and said, “Stale food. I’ll clean the garburator for you.”

Having had my share of bad neighbours in the past (hello, Sean and Christine from Rougehaven, or see ya later  Alex & Jessica on White’s Hill Avenue), so I really wanted to be friendly with Sondra. And as a Christian, I do believe it is our duty to represent Christ to whoever we meet. So we chatted with Sondra whenever we saw her. I borrowed tools and sugar and invited her to do the same. She never did. Our interactions with her became even more bizarre.

One day, Dave was out on the driveway while the kids and I were hanging out on the porch. Because of how our homes are situated, she could only see Dave clearly when she came out of her garage that bright and sunny afternoon. Out of the blue, she yelled across at Dave, “When are ya gonna come scuba diving with me?!”

Dave just looked at her quizzically, and then up at me.

Kira looked at me confused, and then said loudly, for her to hear, “That is SO random.”

I looked at Sondra and said, “Excuse me?!”

Only at this point she realizes that the kids and I are outside too. She pointed at the scuba gear she had with her and stammered, “Uh, you know, scuba diving? You…four…can come with me?”

Uh…we live in the prairies. Where the heck would we go scuba diving?!

Like Kira said, random comment. She is always making random comments like that.

When Dave is outside mowing the lawn or shoveling the snow, Sondra is sitting out on her front balcony, just watching. When the my kids are out back or out front, on our own property, they can see Sondra’s fingers separating the blinds and her beady eyes and a wisp of her blond hair peeking out through the slats. Sometimes when we are outside, she’ll open her front door, step outside and start to say something, then step back inside and shut the door.

She has put her house up for sale twice. Both times, the For Sale sign was down within a week. We’re not sure why the sale didn’t last long. Maybe she realized she really couldn’t get a million dollars for her house.